Mental Traps That Keep You Stuck

I’m Melissa Shanahan, and this is The Law Firm Owner Podcast Episode #303. 

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Hi, everyone. Welcome to this week's episode. We are talking about mental traps that keep you stuck today. Really, just how we box ourselves in with thinking. And we make things so much more unpleasant for ourselves and for those around us. And it's default. It's not something you're most of the time, you're not consciously thinking it. It is your brain using you instead of you using it to create the outcomes that you want.

Something I learned a long time ago, back in 2008, maybe even 2007, and it changed my life was really understanding that the circumstances, which I consider to be facts, I'm never stuck because of those. I'm stuck because of how I'm thinking about those. Maybe even a better way to say this is I never feel a certain way because of a circumstance. I feel a certain way because the way I'm thinking about the circumstance, the lens in which you look through to the world, there's a filter on the lens and that filter is your thinking.

And I've done episodes on this before. It's been quite a while since I've done an episode that has anything to do with the stack of how your thinking is what produces your feeling states, and then how your feeling states from that feeling state, you will act a certain way or behave a certain way. And because of the actions you take or because of the behavior you exhibit, it will provide a very specific result, and it all changes up in the thoughts and feelings part.

So it's not the end-all be-all. What I have found is that this is a good tool to check myself and see where I can shift something that's actually in my control, which is the way that I'm thinking about something. So I use this as a checkpoint, as a tool. I don't abide by it like a religion, but it is extremely helpful to consider this stack, the way I'm thinking, which causes me to feel a certain way, which then will inform how I behave or how I show up in the world, and that will provide a specific result. And I play with that, I play with that stack so that I can see, where does it feel easiest for me to create some wiggle room here? Where can I get out of my rut in the way that I'm thinking, in the way that I'm feeling, in the way that I'm showing up?

And so sometimes it's with the thought, I can think of a new way to look at this. Sometimes it is changing how I approach it, like my actions. I start there, and then that will create a different feeling state. It's almost like I changed my environment because I took action in some way, and that changes how I feel, and that can change my perspective, which is my thinking.

So I just play with this, what I consider to be a fact, that there is this cause and effect relationship between the way that you think, the way that you feel, and the way that you act, and the results that you get in the world. And what I wanna talk about on this episode is that how we tend to think on default, it creates these tracks for us to exist in, and none of it has to be that way. None of it's real. It's just what our mind concocted.

So, how does your thinking create the boxes that you're stuck in? Well, thoughts that tend to shut down progress, for example, are thoughts like, I can't afford it. I have to work all the time. I can't take time off. I can't trust anyone to do this work. I can't get my firm to a healthy people cost percentage. That's a lot of “I have to’s” and “I can’t’s”. None of that produces progress.

Now, the reason that it prevents progress is because it doesn't leave any room for options. It reinforces your frustration. It reinforces resentment. And it makes your situation feel fixed instead of fluid. And this affects not just you, but it certainly does affect you, but it also affects the people around you, whether that is your team or the people you love the most. You make decisions based on limitation and not possibility, and that impacts your energy, that impacts your team, that impacts your clients, and it keeps you spinning instead of solving problems, solving issues, moving forward in new ways, being innovative in the situation.

When you change how you talk about a problem, you create space for solutions. When you lean on default thinking that isn't useful or helpful at all for progress, then you end up being stuck, and you are creating that stuckness because of the way that you're thinking about it. So shifting from being stuck to being strategic is what happens when you change how you talk about a problem. You actually start creating space for solutions. And the reason I'm saying the way that you talk about a problem, one of the ways I can get insight into what my brain is thinking, is because of what I'm saying. I am saying what I'm thinking. I am articulating my thoughts. And so I check myself a lot with what I say so that I can figure out what I'm thinking. Am I cool with that? Or do I think it needs to be adjusted so that I can have a better outcome or open myself up to different possibilities?

There's a few examples I wanna give you that are very common to experience. These thoughts are common to experience as a business owner, but you have a chance to reframe it. One of them is, “I can't afford it.” This may be a computer for your office. This may be a coach that you wanna use. This might be a new hire. Saying, “I can't afford it,” is articulating that you see yourself as boxed in and not having options.

And for those, I can hear the listeners right now because I have this bone in my body too where I think, well, that's the truth. Like, I'm just being real, you know? Like, that's the defense that happens for me. I'll speak about myself. And I know because I get to work with people on this stuff. I experience their defensive statements back. Well, that's exactly what it is. Okay, well, you're fighting for your own limitations. So, can we just pause for a second? And I'm talking to myself right now. This is how I talk to myself. Okay, you're fighting for your own limitations. So, can we please reframe this?

Instead of thinking, “I can't afford it,” maybe think, “I'm spending strategically now so that I have more options in three to six months.” So, thinking instead that you are building the path to be able to afford this with ease. And very soon, that's reframing your situation instead of, “I can't afford this.” Well, you're going to be able to, you're making the moves to be able to.

Another very common thought is about how much you have to work. I have to work all the time, I have to work on nights and weekends. Okay, you get to decide. I mean, seriously, you don't have to do that. Now, you can play all the way to the end if you don't work nights and weekends. Play it out. What are the impacts of that? If you just work a normal day.

Now listen, I understand where you're coming from with this. I understand that it doesn't feel like you have a choice, but that's because that is your default way of thinking. You do have a choice. And quite frankly, you are choosing to do that because if you don't, you're going to have to deal with some things. You could deal with those things. You could deal with the fallout. And you could do it with as much grace as possible. You could refer cases out if you needed to. You don't have to work all the time.

But when you tell yourself, “I have to work nights and weekends,” you feel trapped in to your current set of circumstances. And the truth is, you get to decide. So instead of thinking, “I have to work nights and weekends,” think something else that's more productive and will prevent you from feeling boxed in. You get to choose. You get to choose when you work.

You get to choose. Think about Monday Map. Sitting down, you get to plan out your week. You get to choose how honest you are with yourself about how much work there actually is, and making sure you have the space for it, and where you don't have the space for it, making decisions about that. What are you gonna do with that? It is a fact, it doesn't all fit.

If that's true, you're gonna get to the end of the week and either feel deflated and a little disappointed that you didn't get it all done, or you could know ahead of time because you just plug it in and see that it's not gonna work. And then you can be in front of that set of circumstances. You can reset expectations. You can get some contract help to help you get caught up for that week, because there's too much work for the week. It's whatever, you have options.

So when your brain says I have to do X or I can't do Y, you have to be onto yourself that that is not the right frame of mind. You may choose to do X or you may choose not to do Y. Either way, you are in control of your own decisions. And the beauty of all of this is that that is true. You do have a choice. It fits here, it's somewhere in my outline, and I'm not there yet in my outline, but it fits here. That pressure is a privilege. You have built this business to a place where you have this pressure, and you do need to figure some things out.

I'm not saying that changes don't need to happen, but lying to yourself about what you can and cannot do and what you have to do, it just boxes you in. It perpetuates a crappy cycle that you're in because you're saying you don't have another option. The truth is you need to get yourself out of that cycle. And the only way to get yourself out of that cycle is to reframe how you're thinking about this and be more solution-oriented. And the only way to open yourself up to solutions is to be strategic in how you're thinking about this and not just being stuck.

Another common thing that I hear: “I can't take time off,” which is sort of similar to I have to work nights and weekends, but “I can't take time off.” Well, okay, how about we say, I'm going to take time off soon, I'm going to put on the calendar, and I'm going to work towards it to make sure it's okay. I could take time off right now, that is a choice. But I'm choosing not to, I'm choosing to put it on the calendar for a little further down the road. Because if I take time off right now, it's going to produce some consequences that I'm really just not comfortable with. So we're gonna go ahead and work now take time off later. And I'm going to work to line up so that that is okay.

Okay, that is a reframed opportunity because then you can start to see okay, well now I'm putting on the calendar down here what do I need to do in order for me to be able to take that time off? And you can get organized about the things that people need to be trained on or contractors that you need to line up to make it okay for you to take some space like you can line yourself up with what you want and you can choose when to do it but it's a choice. You get to design this. It's not a linear path it It may not feel pretty, but you get to design this. You get to decide.

Another one that comes up when I'm having conversations with owners, we talk about people cost and we talk about producer, ROI, and they have the stance that they just cannot get their firm to a healthy people cost percentage. And that is never true, literally never. When I'm working with someone, we are making strides towards that. that is where we're gonna get them. And when we get them there, it's through a series of decisions and implementing a set of things that makes it so that the people cost is healthy. It truly is inevitable when you start to line yourself up with it.

Now, maybe you don't know exactly what to do to line yourself up with it. That's okay. I mean, that's a little bit more empowering. Instead of saying, “I can't get my firm to a healthy people cost percentage,” instead of that, saying, “I'm gonna learn how to get my firm a healthy people cost percentage.”

Okay, now we're talking. And you can feel the difference when I am saying that out loud to you in this microphone. It is funny how it just hits differently. When I say I can't get my firm to a healthy people cost percentage, there is a heaviness I can feel. Right in the pit of my stomach, there's a heaviness I can feel. But when I say I'm going to learn how to get my firm to a healthy people cost percentage, that feels lighter. That feels freer. My brain thinks of ways that maybe I could learn it automatically. So it really does matter how you frame things.

The link between your thinking and productivity is strong. Your thoughts directly affect your ability to execute. Negative or closed-off thinking, it leads to hesitation, it leads to avoidance, and it leads to stress. Opportunity-focused thinking leads to problem-solving. It leads to progress. And what happens as you experience those things is you gain more confidence.

So when you feel frustrated, ask, “what am I saying to myself? Is it boxing me in or is it opening doors?” The best leaders focus on what they can do, not on what they can't do. And that takes training. That is not something we are just, most people are not just born with the default position is focusing on what they can do. Our brains are conditioned and wired to keep us here. Stay here, stay safe, path of least resistance. So it's natural that you will find this stuckness kind of thinking that is default, that is human.

It takes training to get your brain to look for opportunities, and this is how you do it. It's not just, oh, I should look for more opportunities, and so then you just do it starting tomorrow. That is not how it works, it's a practice. So having the question, a little post-it on your computer screen, or a reminder regularly on your phone, that when you're feeling frustrated, asking yourself, what am I saying right now to myself?

Is it boxing me in, or is it opening doors? Am I focused on what I can do, or am I focused on what I can't do? Just checking in with yourself is enough that will allow you to pivot. Even if it feels a little tough, you have an awareness. bringing awareness into the situation, which allows you to pivot.

Bottom line, the way that you frame challenges determines whether you stay boxed in or whether you move forward. Check yourself and make sure that what you're thinking is actually helping, not hurting. Not keeping you in a cycle or a pattern that you don't love.

Alright, everybody, have a wonderful week. I'll see you here next Tuesday.

Hey, you may not know this, but there's a free guide for a process I teach called Monday Map/Friday Wrap. If you go to VelocityWork.com, it's all yours. It's about how to plan your time and honor your plans. So, that week over week, more work that moves the needle is getting done in less time. Go to VelocityWork.com to get your free copy.

Thank you for listening to The Law Firm Owner Podcast. If you're ready to get clearer on your vision, data, and mindset, then head over to VelocityWork.com where you can plug in to quarterly Strategic Planning, with accountability and coaching in between. This is the work that creates Velocity.